Around a year ago I lost my mum suddenly. Losing her has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through and undoubtedly shaped the way I view the world. I have learnt lots of important life lessons that most people are lucky enough not to figure out until they’re a lot older. Hopefully voicing them will allow me to explain them to other people and resonate with those who are unfortunate enough to have also experienced the loss of a parent. These are the things I have learnt since my mum passed away.
1. You notice who your true friends are. My friends and in particular my boyfriend have been so understanding throughout this past year in all sorts of ways. They have given me a messages to check in and understood when I don’t want to drink or go somewhere busy. They have also sat with me when I’m in floods of tears, helped plan a funeral, collected my mums ashes, helped tidy my mums flat and box her things, came with me to visit my mums memorial tree and covered my workload when I am struggling too much to come into the office. My close friends and boyfriend have massively supported me and those who never tried are not worth my time as I begin to feel more ‘normal’. Through this pain and grief I have discovered that I have the most loving and loyal people around me and for that I will always be grateful. If I have learned one thing from this last year it is that you should always tell the people around you how much you care.
2. You realise how meaningless money is. When my mum passed away we were left some inheritance but this makes barely any impact on the pain you feel after losing your loved one. Yes, money is important but as long as you’re financially stable you start to realise that the people around you are worth so much more. We have bought a home but the people in it are worth millions more to me.
3. There is an unspoken bond between you and other people who have also lost a parent. Every person who has lost a parent has their own story and it is so individual, but there’s this mutual understanding between you that you can recognise the pain in everyday life. These people recognise the strength you may have needed to get up for work today and the mix of happiness and dread you get for birthdays and special occasions. Losing a parent is something that you do not understand until you have gone through it, and those who don’t understand how it feels to lose a parent apologise which makes my heart ache to think how lucky they are.
4. People stop being so understanding after a few months whilst you’re still in shock. Naturally, after time you begin to sense people around you getting fed up of you being miserable, unmotivated and talking about your dead parent. Yet, as people begin to get fed up of this I am still coming to terms with the loss so find myself still explaining her to people, perhaps as a way of trying to explain it to myself.
5. You want to talk about your parent wherever and whenever and forget that this is uncomfortable for some people. I want to tell the world about my beautiful mum and tell them all the lovely memories I have, and I often forget this shocks people until I see them wince or give a caring smile as though I should be sad about her stories. My mum dying is my reality day in and day out and I forget that not everyone is living this journey with me.
6. Nobody ever teaches you to plan a funeral. When my mum passed we were lucky enough to have her family to cover costs of the funeral. Her family all live 6 hours drive away though so planning a lot of the funeral was left to us which is something I thought ‘adults’ always did… though technically that’s us now and we needed to make sure our mum had a service she’d have loved. I remember feeling that it felt like I was planning a surprise party for my mum whilst knowing she wasn’t going to turn up which was a strange experience you can’t prepare for. There are also lots of legal things to do which I was oblivious to so we had to get more ‘adultier adults’ to help us.
7. People will tell you to ‘take some time to yourself’ without really knowing what that means. I was encouraged to take time off work but after planning the funeral and doing all the legal bits I didn’t know what to do with myself, what are you supposed to do? I found that going back to work helped me to take my mind off things and I was so lucky to have a job where I had the most supportive colleagues and a flexible work life.
8. The smallest of things can start to make you angry. I became angry when people who I knew my mum didn’t like pretended to care about her. I became angry when people posted Mother’s Day posts on Facebook when their mum didn’t even have Facebook. I became angry when people made jokes about drinking. This angry feeling is most likely out of frustration as I know all of these people were not intending to hurt me, but it didn’t make my pain any less.
9. You realise just how important family is and those bonds grow closer. Since my mum passed I realise how lucky I was to have such a lovely upbringing and have so much love in my childhood, which is something I have been guilty for taking granted for. I am now closer with my family, especially my brother as I realise how important this is. If you are lucky enough to have a family who love you spend time with them whenever you can.
10. People forget about the trauma of those around you. Yes, it is awful losing a parent, but it must have also been awful for my grandparents to lose a daughter, my aunties to lose a sister and for my mums friends to lose someone they cared about. I feel like some of these people weren’t given the support and love I was. My boyfriend also went through the every step of the way with me and was there when we found my mum, at the hospital and at the funeral home- yet people didn’t ask him how he was.
the absence of someone who once was there 